Yesterday I felt so sad but had no idea why.
Now I know.
The ocean. I went to her yesterday. It was largely an accident but somehow I ended up on a beach. The ocean was trying to tell me that my wedding anniversary would have happened the next day; today. She wanted me to think about the night before my wedding. I had gone to the ocean at two in the morning to sing to the waters. I ran up and down the beach. I had gathered sea shells. I spoke to the moon, “Hola Luna!”
I was married on June 23rd 2012. The sun shined all day until the wedding. I was married inside instead of out as planned. I prayed and prayed. It rained and rained until we said, “I do.” Then the sun came back out.
The summer of 2017 I returned with my then husband to the place where him and I had wed. It evoked no memory in him. No imagination, no care. A deadness. A dead so dead that nothing could revive it. Secrets do that. The refusal to heal does that too. Don’t worry about him though, he figured it out and found the love that he wanted. My Ex was once described as a prince. I still believe that to be true. He is.
Today is my mom’s birthday. I remember when I asked her if it was okay to marry on the day she was born she responded, “Absolutely.”
“You were married once,” A phantom whispered to me this morning.
“Not anymore,” I said back.
Yesterday I thought of love again as I walked down the beach. I gathered sea shells. My heart hurt and I sang. I found a place by myself near the water so I could cry. I thought of the impossible task of trusting another man. I thought of how the prince and I would swim for hours in the water.
I thought, “Maybe I will have a partner one day.” I never thought that June 23rd was on it’s way. I never once thought of the rain, the flowers that died, or the overflowing joy that filled my heart those years ago. I expect that next year will solely only be my mother’s birthday and I am so excited!
Forgetfulness is a form of mercy that I will never take for granted.
Happy Birthday Mom! Thank you for the part you have played in healing my broken heart.