I saw him yesterday. It has been six months. Fernando, the ex. I was speaking to a good friend about what the experience of seeing him might be like. She offered maybe I would think to myself, “I am so glad this didn’t work out.” 

That wasn’t exactly what happened. I could feel him walking up to me from about thirty feet away. He always did have a particular kind of smile. In fact, he has one of the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen. We didn’t touch but his warmth beside me as we walked was familiar. Tears did fall. We talked for a while. We met because I needed to sign one last paper.

He gave his normal I have so much potential speech. I gave him the you need to wear sunscreen outside and go back to school speech. He let me pray for him before we parted. Afterwards, I kept trying to process why I never thought, “I’m so glad this didn’t work out.”

Its because I did life with this man. I saw him through things. He saw me through things. I look into his eyes and I wish in a different world things would have continued. I want him to be happy and I’m not sure if he is. I care about his soul. I care about his heart. I want him to have goodness. I want every piece of his past to be restored. I appreciate him for all the things that he gave me. He gave me lessons. He taught me how to drive a stick shift. He let me cry night after night into a pillow. He has the most glorious laugh. I loved his laugh! He was so simple but there was wisdom in him. We wrestled with hundreds of children. We climbed mountains together. We dug ditches together and sat in church. We prayed and read books together. Well, I did most of the reading but he did listen. It would rain and we would sleep in all day. I loved chasing him around the house. I loved his heart for people. I loved the way that he cared so much for older people. There was darkness in him too but there is darkness in us all. It doesn’t really matter all the reasons why things ended anymore.

What matters is that this man was my partner. He shared his life with me. I cry because I love him. I cry because it mattered. The thing is I don’t have to stop loving him. I just have to keep going.

I had another dream last night. The man in the dream said, “You can let it all go. Just let it go. Just let it go. Let it all go.”

Maybe I’m almost there.

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