I wish there was somewhere you could go that would make you want to thrive. There was a quote I read once, “There is a world within us all.” That world was created when you were a child. There were many factors that grew your inner-world. Your parents, your friends, your school, your teachers, your trauma, your genetic make-up.
Some inner-worlds are seas of defense mechanisms. Those defense mechanisms cause havoc. It takes so much strength to see yourself clearly. It takes so much especially if you were formed by toxic moments. Maybe you had the best childhood but a teacher hated you. Maybe you did have a traumatic home life. Maybe you did great until that terrible significant other came into your life. It didn’t start out as your fault. Often, we do start out as victims (many people will tell you differently). Regardless, at some point it does become your responsibility to search your own inner-world and clean up the messes that were made by others. We are ultimately responsible for our own inner-worlds.
It is more difficult still to re-program old triggers in the inner-world. When I get cold, I get sad. It is a specific cold. It is a specific chill in my bone. I won’t tell you why. Things happened. I will have the best day and that cold chill will loom over me. Sadness will creep in. If I am not careful, my entire day will be spent crying. It will be spent laying in my bed. A part of me will want so badly to walk away from my bed. Another part of me will feel no control over the invisible string that will draw me to my bed.
A piece of sadness that still has too much power.
It takes courage to see your pain clearly. Look at it. Look at your trauma. Look at your thinking. See how you treat others. See if you treat others how you never wanted to be treated as a child. Self-awareness takes practice. It is not meant to shame. It is meant to be used as a tool to stop the cycle of hurt. We can stop it.
I’m not sure who said it first but I heard it from Sharon Jones, “Hurt people hurt people.” What cycle of hurt are you continuing? Maybe you need compassion to heal. Maybe you need to talk to safe people. I hope you find those people. I hope you will journey through the deepest parts of you that have been covered up.
I know you can break it but you’ll never do it alone. You won’t do it alone just as I will never get out of my bed when the cold sets in alone.
Love to you all,