It’s a word I play around with. I used to hear the word out loud and it felt like I was cursing. The word “divorce” feels heavier to me than the word death. Divorce. I went through a stage where every person I met I would say, “Hi, I’m divorced.” It was my identity for a while. Being a wife was the identity I clung to before so it makes sense to me that I would then incorporate this new identity. “Hi, I’m divorced.”

I gained twenty pounds from my divorce. I drank wine for a few months and I am not a big drinker. I ate cheese and lots of chocolate.  I cried. I slept. I stayed in my bed. I had fantastical thoughts about men that were never real or even true. They were distractions from the truth. I was never much of an addict so I created a world that didn’t exist.

I look around and think its amazing how men and women who were married for over ten years can go ahead and be on to their next spouse so soon. I was only married for five years and my heart is still on the mend. I wonder if these people grieved their relationships sooner than I did. I wonder if they have a secret I could use. I wonder if they are actually ready. I wonder if they are so high on the chemicals that they don’t realize they are marrying the same person in a different disguise. Those wretched things will come out again soon. After the wedding.

I go weeks without a thought or care for my x-husband. I will walk in a store and tears come. I am a crier so it is almost always a flood. I will go through some new challenging event and tears will come. I will go through a simple event like getting my oil changed. I cry. I look or hear about small children; I cry. I am still letting go and I want too. I am not ashamed of my pain. I am not ashamed that my five year marriage might take me three years to get over. I am not ashamed. I should treat men nicer but I’ll get there.

My hope for my fellow divorcees is that your eyes are opened. I pray you will not marry another partner who somewhere in there has those same dead vines of connection as your last partner. I hope you will let yourself heal. Go to divorce care. Go to counseling. Find friends and family. Connect. Look deeply into yourself and self-examine.  As I always like to say read up on the biology of falling in love, read about chemistry and connection, and be honest with yourself.

I don’t care if you are engaged. I don’t care if you are super serious with someone. If it is an illusion, break away. I dated a guy for a little while. I knew it was an illusion because after it was over, I just wanted my x-husband again. Guard your heart my friends.

Love to you all but especially to my fellow divorcees.