I keep thinking about the biology of falling in love. I warn all the women I meet! I was serving a few weeks ago and made a potentially terrible mistake! I had run a woman’s card for another table. She wasn’t gone yet but definitely about to be to her car. I was in freak-out/calm mode. “Do I run after her or is this something we can take care of without her card?” It took my manager a few minutes. I ended up needing to chase her down. We started to chat. She went on to tell me she was recently divorced but was seeing someone.

“Do you know about the biology of falling in love?”

She shook her head no.

I have to tell you this! First of all, I am only speaking of heterosexual couples. I am also only speaking of the rule not the exceptions.

Every time you are with the guy you like you get a slight dopamine high and so does he. There is some serotonin involved as well. Now there are exceptions to the rules but generally speaking men need time to desire you. They need time to think about you, they need time to think in general. If you are with him in that way too soon it is not always true but it is more true that he will release vasopressin as well as other chemicals too soon. He won’t really fall in love with you. Not chemically. You know a man loves you when he wants to commit to you.

A woman falls in love differently.  Again, there are exceptions but this is the rule. She releases some oxytocin when she is with the man but not a lot. This is the bonding chemical. It is the reason why you can absolutely hate your family members and still want to be around them. Pretty cool stuff. The woman won’t fall in as much love with the man until her and him are together sexually because she releases huge amounts of oxytocin during sex. Think about how a mother bonds with her baby. Its the same chemicals. Crazy!

After the couple is chemically bonded, they will do anything to keep their relationship together. This is why you see women who will get hit, cheated on, and everything else and still try so hard to keep the relationship together. This is why men can at times cheat on their wives and really mean it when he says, “It didn’t mean anything to me.” Chemically speaking it didn’t mean anything for him. Now, if he is having an emotional affair that is much different. Its all so interesting. I know I am giving so much information in no particular order. All I am telling you right now is until you get to know this man, do not do anything you will regret. He does not deserve your chemicals. He doesn’t deserve the cloud that creates the family bond. He doesn’t!

Find out who he is in his core. Find out first. Generally speaking, there will be an underlying feeling of anxiety to sort through if the relationship is potentially toxic underneath the rush. Unless of course you came out of a disorganized attachment style or you have an anxious attachment style but now I am getting too far ahead and behind myself.  The point is this; Get to know what that chemistry means! Tell all your friends. You can find all of this information on the web. There are many regular and scholarly articles on the subect. You can find it! Please be careful!

She looked at me and smiled, “I am so glad you told me this. Things are starting to get more difficult. Waiting is hard.”

“If you really want him you can’t sleep with him. You just can’t. You also need to know who he is. I know I all ready said that but you must know! Why are you two connected? What kind of chemistry do you have? Maybe he reminds you of the bad attributes of your mom or the good attributes of your father. All you know right now is you have chemistry. There is a familiarity. It takes time to figure out what that chemistry is. Good luck!

Just another day at work…