I like to think about how what we feed ourselves matters. Have you ever eaten so much junk food and still found that you were starving? You are so full that you really can’t eat any more. The stomach still churns. The body is still fatigued. There is no strength. The junk is in the way. You are full of nothing.
I think about that. I think about that with what I watch, what I listen too, who I hang out with or at least I used too. I am waking up again. The fog is leaving. A year in a half of fog covered me. A while back when I was at my absolute worst someone I thought was my friend told me that maybe this terrible person was who I really was all along. She was disappointed in the person I had become.
In that moment I thought about it, “No I am just nowhere and nothing! I can’t think! I can’t see! I am lost! I am so lost!” And she, she was young. She was focused on herself and her needs. She was focused on the fact that I couldn’t live up to her expectation. I was human after all.
I miss her. I do. I love her still but I was just full. I was so full of nothing. I was so so full.