This trip across America, I’d put it in my top three best decision’s list if I had a list. My main prayer in the past year has been, “Lord help me with my faith. Give me faith again. Give me faith. Give me faith.” I am not sure if faith is exactly what I was looking for. Maybe it was more like peace or hope or trust that he was there. Lets be real, I wanted to be free from the pain.
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I had that gut-wrenching pain. That grief that physically makes you fall down. Its the one that pierces the side like an invisible knife. It stabs. It wounds and it has no mercy. Then, just when I’d think I had reached a place past pain, the tears would fall all over again as if it had happened yesterday. The shapeless killer. I have had a lot of pain in my life. I have witnessed so much heartache. This type of pain has felt the most excruciatingly agonizing.

I don’t mean to be one of those people that says, “Oh it was that simple why didn’t someone tell me?” I cannot say what I would have done differently if I had known the physical pains of grief. People said, “You are grieving.” They told me that this process was normal. I wish they had said, “You are going to feel like someone is gutting you out like a fish. It will happen every day and then it will happen every other day and then less but its going to hurt that bad. You are not the problem. I know you want to numb the pain and you will want too but don’t.”

I found a lot of false comforters last year. I didn’t know. I didn’t understand. I can say next time I’ll know what “grief feels like” and I’ll know what to do.

I am sure there is still some phantom grief lingering; he is waiting to rupture my side again but his blade has dulled. Grief over the person who didn’t die.

Those who are forgiven much love much…