Stunned. Birthday. There is laughing going on in the other room. There is music. Life.  I spent a weekend at a Catholic retreat last March.  I’m not Catholic.  I was seeking God. I believe his name to be Jesus. I was looking for answers. The weekend was themed on darkness. “Without the dark, there would be no stars! The pastor said, “Go to where life is!” I went to life alone.

Not long after I returned from the retreat, my best friend Katherine did a meditation on me. She insisted. “It won’t take long.  Come on lay on the floor and then you can go to sleep.”  She took me through a visualization technique she had learned from holy yoga.  Wr had also done a similar thing at a retreat we went to once in Colorado called Captivating with Stasi Eldridge. Close to the end she said, “Now look in the reflection of the water. What do you see what do you hear?”

And there she was, a little girl. The sound of her voice was young but firm. She spoke: “Its okay you can come out and play now.”

Three weeks ago I was sitting in a bedroom. NYC. Snow had dazzled December in white. I caught snowflakes in my hand. I studied them as people walked past.  I was moving with nowhere to go.  My friend Aaron saw my room on FaceTime. “My God the sheets are white! The walls are white! It looks like an asylum! Get out of there!” Now I’m in L.A surrounded by laughter and music.

I went to a yoga class. It was the end. The Meditation. The yoga instructor cut out the lights. She said, “What is it that you want most right now?”  My face turned red. My eyes welled up with tears (Its a theme with me).

That little girl spoke again, “Please, stop holding back.  Please stop!  Please stop! I want to dance with my whole heart. My whole heart!”

This little one is wise. She knows things.  She wants things I am not sure if I want. This is the turn at the end of the movie. I call this little girl the child but everyone finds out the child is me.

Still, this sadness wants to hold his place. “You can’t run from the pain!” “You can’t run from the memories!” “You can’t run from the failure!” “You can’t run from the great mistake!”

I have a choice!  I can tell sadness not to come.  I can tell it, “You don’t belong here.”  I can wait for morning. Birthday 29.  God I need your help. I want peace! For my birthday,  give me peace

The still voice:  Go to the laughter, Go to the music, Life is outside your door.

(The invitation)