Journal Entry from April 2017:

I pondered “wholeness” on my walk today. There is talk that this might mean a person who heals from the inside out. I don’t quite understand healing from the inside out. I think about plants. They need a specific environment to grow and they just grow. I think about houses and how when they need repair someone must come in and do the job. The house cannot stand up forever without help. I think about children who internalize the messages fed to them as truth. This is where their belief systems come.  They come from the outside in.

As I continued to walk I took a moment to look up at the trees.  The trees in Brooklyn are tall. They are lovely.  They make me want a Swiss family Robinson’s house! 

Adults have the ability to challenge belief systems and change but it starts from the outside, works itself in, and then like a plant just grows. The difference is that human beings have the choice to not let change occur where a plant won’t resist.

I think about relationships. There is a belief that a person must not “need” anyone before they are ready to be in one. I don’t understand. Maybe they mean the obsessive, crazy people? I think about sexual health. I ruminate. For those who have been wounded sexually, is not a loving sexual relationship also a deep place of healing? Sex would come from the outside in to be then internalized so the new messages could form that sex is beautiful? Or not? Can one heal their sexuality on their own?

As I reached the end of my walk another question hit me:  What is wholeness?  That is relatively subjective.  You must be spiritually, mentally, financially and physically healthy.  What is the lowest possible scale a person can be on to qualify as whole? Qualifiers for wholeness.  You must reach a specific level of success in a particular category to reach a level of wholeness. That can’t be right. Twisted truth maybe.  Or is that just my subjective view on the matter?

Some people call wholeness self-love but self-love is also subjective.  I think wholeness is self-love but self-love is a journey.  I think it takes a lifetime and how do you know when you have gotten there? What is self-love exactly? There are those who have plenty of what might be called self-love and yet it looks so distorted. Self-love.  I am looking for this thing called self-love. I may not know what to look for exactly or I do but I don’t know that I know.  If I don’t know that I know then I must not really know. For the love of Epistemology! Someone help!

She walked into the grocery store to pick up chocolate and wine.  Her current subjective view of self-love. Denial? Who knows.  Time will tell all things at the right, “TING!” “That will be eighteen dollars.”